!!!!!!!!!!

i hate my life!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate feeling helpless...like i'm just riding in a car on my life ride.

for the addict...

haha...

so i haven't posted in ages, and i really don't have a whole lot to say at this moment (cuz i'm really supposed to be waking up my son to get ready for school and me for work!)

anyhoo, life has been very very good! i couldn't have imagined that things would be going so well when my marriage really seemed to be in the toilet. the hubby has been steadfast and strong, and i pray it will continue. i still feel apprehensive sometimes, but that is just the hurt part of me that once in a while worries that it will fall apart again...but truthfully...i have to live this day by day and it's going great, so why worry??? :-)

okie - off to wake up my little buddy, such a funny guy he is!!!

mr. sandman...give me a dream...

wtf is wrong with me?!?! it's 1:30 in the morning and i'm still wide awake!!! it's actually pissing me off because i want to go to bed. i didn't have caffeine or anything...i don't know why i'm not sleeping.

grrr...

anyway, i've been kinda out of sorts the past couple days. just kinda highs and lows. like missing my old house, then being VERY excited about dmb's summer tour. today was the first day that i got really hyper about it...i guess it kinda helped that i had an incredible dmb dream last night...lol. anyway, so not sure what's going on...maybe it's hormonal. yeah, let's blame it on the damned hormones.

anyhoo, the hubby's been doing great...i still wonder if it will last. i mean he really seems good, but it's gonna take a long while before i can feel somewhat secure.

aww fuck. i guess i'll try to go to bed for the third time.

sweet dreams...

argh!

well, he's back (apparently when he left this morning he went to work.) he came rolling in around 5:30pm, just after the kids & i got home from my work. he said he didn't want to leave, didn't want to be away from me & the kids, that when i told him to leave this morning, it was a real reality check for him. we talked a long while, he says he'll get up everyday and go to work, he'll keep his doctor appointment next week, he'll start the counseling and he'll bring home all his paycheck.

of course i have mixed emotions about all this and i told him as much. can anyone imagine how this feels? like i'm going through some emotional "wringer"...squeezing me. but i thought about it as we talked...i guess when you lay something like that out (about telling him to leave this morning) and if he truly did get a "reality check", i suppose he should have a chance to prove himself. it's very scary for me, and i almost don't want to risk it at all. BUT - i think i have to see this through because if he falls back again to the old ways, then i'll know that i really did do every single thing i could. i told him if he starts up again with the same old shit, then we'll be right back where we were this morning and there won't be any changing my mind.

i feel like this is all some stupid movie.

dmb always has the words...

a fellow dmb fan, debbie, sends out a newsletter most days. i couldn't believe the quote she put in hers today...

"the hope in her head falls

as a million things she needs today

remembering out of raging worries

so many voices, she cannot say

oh, but the colors mix together

to grey

and wake her up."

~djm--grey st--6.23.00

thank God for david matthews and his unbelievable way with words and emotion.

and up, and down, and up, and down...

i thought things were going to be ok. however, it just didn't turn out that way. i asked him to leave this morning - to find another place to stay for awhile where he can get his life straightened out. i tried to do everything i could for him, supported him in every way i could, but it just wasn't working because he wasn't trying to help himself. so, i don't know what the future holds, but that is where we are right now.

things are hard, for sure, but somehow we'll get through this. i'm just going to take it day by day and do the best i can for me and the kids. i'm so exhausted of carrying everything on my shoulders, i just couldn't do it anymore.

i have no idea what i'm going to do.

friday...

he came home thursday about 9am. he had been driving and driving, through various states, just thinking. said he came to realize that nothing else matters but his family, he doesn't want the kids growing up without him, that he should be taking care of me and treating me like a queen, that he is severely depressed, etc. said he is willing to get help, he doesn't want to live his life like this.

so all that is very encouraging, and i pray it is all true and isn't just a fleeting thing. i need actions on his part to begin to trust what he says. self-preservation, i guess.

all this up and down has been making me feel all out of whack. i pray he can get healthy and we can get things back on track here at home. i'm definitely someone who likes to feel grounded, and i'm ready to feel that way again.

home again?

another update...my son called the hubby tonight and left him a message on his cell. he called back about 30 mins later - told son that he was coming home tomorrow, and that he just couldn't leave his family like that.

so, i don't know what to expect, but we'll see when he gets back. all i know is he better be ready to get some help because his problems are not going to go away. he may be able to push it aside for awhile, but in the long run, they will still be there, unresolved.

i just want to get this sorted out, one way or the other.

*sigh*

gone again

so he's gone again. don't know what else to say right now. i have the flu, which just really puts the icing on the cake.

he's home...

he got home about 4:30 this morning. that is the only news i have at the moment. i'm off to drink coffee and get showered...it's gonna be a strange day, i think.

day five...

well, it's 6:08pm and still no hubby.

and no word from the brother in maryland...i kinda thought maybe he'd call us after the hubby left to let us know he was on the road. then again, maybe he just hasn't left.

i'm gonna try not to think about it (yeah.)

day four...

the hubby is still gone. good news is he is at his brother's place in an adjoining state, safe. the word from his brother is he is planning to come home tomorrow, but we'll see. i'm not real secure in counting on anything at this point.

so i guess i'll just have to wait and see what he concluded by being away, and if he's open to getting some counseling for himself. i can't really have too much of a plan without knowing what his place is going to be when he gets back.

one day and one step at a time. i will enjoy (in a strange way) the quiet tonight before having to deal with this tomorrow...assuming he does come home.

it's been a few months...

i guess when things are going "ok", the need for this outlet isn't as great. especially since i try to keep up with friends on nancies. but, alas, things are falling apart again.

the hubby went away for awhile. not sure where, but i guess to try to do some soul searching as to what we should do about our marriage. however, he leaves us in a lurch again because where ever he is, he's certainly not working. so that means we'll get even more behind than we already are.

i'm thinking, how do you work so hard to get a marriage back after almost losing it, then almost ten years later, be in the same spot of possibly losing it again? i feel like the hubby needs help. i don't know exactly what it is, but i know his brother's death had a lot to do with it. i just wish i could explain it, but i can't.

maybe we just need to be separated for now. i wish there wasn't such a financial consequence so we could just focus on what our marriage needs...but we so desperately need all the income we can get.

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

maybe i'll come back later...can't seem to get anything else out right now.

sunday morning...

good morning...it's been awhile, yes? seems each day my life is different, i'm not even sure yet what my reality is. it's odd. but, the good news is, at the moment, things are quite good. last sunday, a mere week ago, we broke out the christmas decorations and for the most part, it went fine. i had hoped my hubby would be more active in participating, but he only did a couple things. then we had a "talk" later in the afternoon, which was pretty sad, but honest. i had a good cry afterwards, he went to his dad's to lend him our ladder, then returned about 30 minutes later. from that point on, it's almost as if the old "hubby" has returned. like he left one person and returned another. or, in his words from a conversation last night, it's like he turned the page and started living his life again. it has been soooo nice. i can't even explain it except to say he's part of our lives again, willingly and seemingly happily.

the counseling session we went to a few weeks ago was like an evaluation session, to summarize. we basically discussed the big picture of our problems, the counselor shot straight with the hubby and basically ended up with saying "i think she's gonna leave if things stay the same." the counselor recommended marital counseling (which the hubby agreed to), gave us a few names to call, and we went on our way. the first week was very hard...just me feeling very miserable, very sad and unhappy, angry yet apathetic at the same time. i just felt like i didn't care, even though i knew i did.

then the second week, as i mentioned above, has been a 180 degree turnaround. i'm still pursuing the counseling, although the damn office has yet to call me back even though i've placed two calls to the new patient coordinator (voice mail!) i'm not foolish enough to think everything will just be ok. i know the hubby needs some counseling to deal with his continuing grief over his brother's death. the anniversary of his death was this past friday, the 10th. very hard day for him, but he came around the next day, which i was very grateful for.

in other mind-blowing news, an incredible group of amazing, generous, loving people from my office got together and donated $500 dollars so that i could buy christmas presents for the kids. i was absolutely stunned and blown away...i just can't believe it. i just can't believe, that even though i don't discuss my personal life at work, somehow they knew enough of my struggles to realize i wasn't able to buy "real" presents for the kids this year. even more, i can't believe that people could be so generous with their own hard-earned money to give so much to me and my family. yes, my kids will have wonderful presents to open christmas morning, but thanks to them, i have received an invaluable gift - the gift of seeing the true, loving spirit of christmas for myself.

SIDE NOTE: the christmas song just came on the radio - i'm all tingly and tearful...what amazing timing!!!!!!!

the love of God is truly shining on me...all the prayers of my wonderful family and friends have really done incredible things and i am eternally grateful.

oh, the entire family went to a christmas program (play/cantata) last night at my uncle's church - it was great! it was a huge baptist church so there was a very large orchestra and choir, plus dancers - it was great. it felt SO good to do something meaningful as a family.

well, today my cousin and her two kids are coming over to decorate gingerbread men and make christmas sweatshirts. i hope it will be a fun afternoon. but before then, i need to get showered, go to the store and get a few supplies, and also items for dinner tonight.

until next time, peace and love...

diggin' in the dirt...

whelp, i'm about to head out the door to our first marriage counseling session. i'm very anxious, nervous, scared, etc. i pray this can help, i really do.

wednesday thoughts...

well tomorrow is thanksgiving, it's usually a really nice day, prolly because i usually don't have to cook since we're typically at my mom's or the in-law's place. actually, it's more than not cooking, it's just nice family time including some really good food. this year, my mom and her hubby are going to new jersey to be with his parents and the in-laws are going to maryland to be with their youngest son. so, we were going to go to my uncle's place and enjoy the day with my cousins, etc.

well, the hubby works with my cousin, and he also works with the boyfriend of my other cousin. they get along sometimes, but most of the time they're like oil and water. truthfully it's prolly because they're so much alike, but my hubby would never admit that. anyway, he tells me last night that we're not going now b/c he and the boyfriend of my other cousin are at odds with each other and he doesn't want to have it be tense, or whatever. now we've made plans with them and now he's going to tell them we aren't coming. personally, i think it's ridiculous. i mean, aren't they two adults that can manage to behave for the holiday? i mean shit! it's so childish...get over yourselves. part of me wants to just go over there anyway and tell him he's welcome or he can stay home. the other part of me doesn't feel right about that b/c he wants to be with his family for the holiday. argh! i'm not prepared to cook a big meal - i don't have all the stuff i need and running out to shop the day before thanksgiving is not my idea of fun. plus i don't have much cash either. FFS!!!!!! so, whatever. the interesting thing is he'll expect me to figure everything out, run out and get all the stuff, etc. he did tell the kids that we all need to cook together. ok...we'll see. i mean, he has cooked thanksgiving dinner before, but who knows if he'll do anything.

i'm just so frustrated! i feel at a standstill. i just can't seem to feel happy around him lately. he just frustrates me. i just don't know what to do. what to do, what to do????? money is an issue again right now - i have a paycheck at the end of the month, but i'll still need $600 more bucks to pay the rent. and, oh yeah, WE STILL NEED FOOD, GAS, ETC!!!!!!! dammit i'm so sick of all this shit. i really, really am. i applied at home depot, so i hope they will call me for the new store that is opening near me in early december. i hate the idea of more time away from the kids, but i hate even more not knowing where the money is gonna come from.

i'm having feelings that remind me of when we split up the last time. i have a lot of apathy, anger, i'm putting up that wall again. i just can't seem to help it. i can't fake being happy. last night at dinner he was talking with the kids about something or other, i was eating, listening, but not talking (not intentionally, just didn't feel like it). anyway, he was like, "feel free to participate in our conversation" or something like that. i just wanna hit him when he says stuff like that. instead of saying that, why doesn't he just take time to talk with me later, to see what he can do instead of patronizing me? he did talk to me briefly the other day, asking something general like what's going on with you? anyway, i just told him, look, we have problems, i can't pretend they're not there. and he was like, well, can you do anything about it at the moment? in other words, he was trying to say, just be happy. i think he was trying to go along the lines of the serenity prayer. i'm all about the serenity prayer, but this is our marriage, ffs. i mean, the end result of how these problems get dealt with will determine, likely, the status of our marriage. he says he wants to be together, married, a family. but i don't know that i can live this way. things just aren't good and i don't know how to change it. he annoys me constantly in so many ways, not intentionally, but it's how i feel about certain things. for example, he'll come down looking for something in the dryer (like work clothes) and he'll seem to be pissy, like he can't find what he needs, or what he needs isn't clean. i just wanna say "then why the fuck don't you wash your damn clothes?" i mean, can't he anticipate his own clothing needs? it's not my job to figure out if he has what he needs for work the next day. he also seemed pissy saying something like "there's no food", i'm like what do you mean there's no food? well, i think he was referring to the fact that we're out of junk cereal - which he eats for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. ffs. i'm just trying to keep the kids fed, trying to make sure there are items for their lunches, etc. he goes through the "snack" food so damn fast, and doesn't even think about whether there is enough stuff for the kids's lunch. why can't he figure out that we are second to the kids. i mean, yes, we have to eat, but we have to make due with what we have. to me, when i go to the store and get stuff for their lunches, i want to make damn sure that it's there for the week.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

i feel so overwhelmed, i just don't know what to do. he asked me the other day "you don't like me anymore?" well, i love him, but to a degree, i really don't like who he is right now. i just don't. it's hard to say that, but it's true. i know that somewhere inside him is the person i love, i just don't know if he's ever coming back. that is a very hard thing to consider.

anyway, i've been rambling, but i guess that's what blogging is all about.

it's been awhile...

well, the funeral was beautiful. they had a computer setup with a slideshow of pictures of auntie, along with her kids, etc., set to wonderful music. God it was heartwrenching, but comforting at the same time to see her the way i really remember her. the good days. i miss her free spirit, her very unique laugh.

regarding my marriage issues, they are still there to a degree. it seems like he is committed to working on our marriage. we'll see how it goes. it's interesting how there's this corner that you seem to get around when you just almost don't care anymore. for me, it's like this invisible shield goes up all around me - i just hit my breaking point of being hurt. i just don't seem to care anymore. my marriage is important to me, so i will forge ahead, but it will be hard with a heart that feels like it's turning to stone.

kids are great - my amazing girl got honor roll and my boy exceeded all expectations, according to his report card (he doesn't get real grades until next year). i was very proud of them both and said what a way to start the school year, gang!!!! they BOTH are the lights of my life.

friends. thank God for amazing friends. you know who you are, and i am blessed to have you as part of my life...thank you!!!

i think that's about it for now. i'm waiting for the husband to get home so we can drop off my friends car (she let me borrow it while my vehicle was in the shop getting the transmission repaired - what a true angel she is!!!)

goodnight room, and goodnight moon...

ashes to ashes...

well, last night went pretty much as expected, it's never hard to see your loved one no longer present in their body. in many ways, i was glad she wasn't in her body anymore. she was living a very hard life, and the knowledge that she is now free is comforting. plus, her body did not look like her anyway. seriously, it really seemed like a mannequin (sp). i don't mean that harshly, it just wasn't her. it's a good thing because that is not how i want to remember her anyway.

right now i'm waiting for my sis to come over, she, the hubby and i will drive to the funeral together. the kids will stay with gramma, then the hubby will come get them to go to the reception at rich's house.

i hope it goes as well as is possible - my mom and her brother will both be speaking at the service, i know it will be very hard for my mom, but it is important to her.

sharon kay

hello blog. i'm sitting with terribly poor posture over my keyboard, somewhat drunk from my extra large plastic cup full of delicious cosmopolitan martini...mmmmm. maybe not such a great way to honor my aunt who died friday night considering she was an alcoholic, however, i needed something to loosen up my too tightly-wound mind. auntie, auntie...why did your life have to end this way? why couldn't it be like it used to be...summer fun with us all lounging around the pool, you so full of life and love. why did it have to change? i'm so sorry that life didn't turn out how you wanted it then, i'm sorry that you couldn't find the strength. i'm sorry for your children, for your grandchildren, for your dad, brother and sister. i'm just sorry, and sad.

if your soul is still in the process of rising, auntie, i pray that it is a peaceful journey, that you have angels all around you assisting you in your rise to heaven.

i'm sorry i didn't come see you in the hospital before, when you were so sick. i was afraid, i didn't want to see you withered away and so very different from how i wish to remember you. i know it was selfish and i hope you forgive me. i'm glad i did have the chance to see you since then, though. now, however, i will see you one last time on wednesday, and it will be to say goodbye. goodbye to your body, but not goodbye to your spirit because i know it will be here. i am glad you will be with your mom, i hope you will be joyful to be together. grandma, it seems you've been gone my whole life...

saturday night blahs...

ugh, tonight i'm just feeling so antsy. for once in my life, i wish i had somewhere else to go. i'm such a homebody, almost always content to be home. however, i just feel like i'm uncomfortable - just surrounded by my problems and powerless to do anything about them.

i can't even really put thoughts into words tonight...guess that's it for now.

it's rainy, i'm sleepy...

yaaawn....why oh why must i be so sleepy? i hate when i'm at my desk at work and my eyelids and i are fighting over whether they should close or stay open. i just wanna put my head down on the desk and snooze just for 20 minutes. wouldn't it be grand???

i'm tired of feeling blah. about two weeks after moving in, i felt so much better to have it behind me. with each day, i felt a little better and even started smiling and dancing again. now, for some reason, i just feel blah. i'm kinda sad. i guess part is pms...and thankfully flo just came so that should get better. the other part is the issues with my hubby. i wish i could talk to him, but it seems to get us nowhere. instead of feeling angry right now, i just feel defeated. we have the same old issues. i just don't know how much longer i can deal with it.

i'm tired...wanna close my eyes...wanna drift away...

empty apathy...

i didn't think i'd come here to write anything, i don't know, i guess because i usually communicate with friends, it helps to have them listen. i guess right now, i just don't really want to have a discussion, i just feel like i need to get my thoughts out. plus, after awhile, a subject just seems to be going nowhere, and there really doesn't seem to be anything anyone can say to make it any better. i guess except for one person, and that is the person who my issue is with.

i'm feeling so empty in one way. i mean, my life is very full in many ways, i have two beautiful children, for whom i am always grateful for. i am incredibly blessed. there is much more, including wonderful friends and family, the fact that i have a job, transportation, a home (although it's not really mine, but i do have a nice place to live). however, there are some things that continually haunt you for what feels like a lifetime...always resurfacing because it's just never been resolved.

this may all seem so "nothing" to other people, i understand that, but this is my life. it matters to me.

i don't really feel like writing anymore right now. hopefully typing this out will get it out of my brain enough for me to enjoy the day. it is beautiful out and we have a picnic to attend later today with my coworkers. you can imagine he's real thrilled about that. but, at least he's going.

Um....

howdy - don't know what i'm saying here, i really just wanted to setup an account so i could post a reply to my friend's blog! lol...

who knows, maybe i'll come back here and post some thoughts sometime.