argh!

well, he's back (apparently when he left this morning he went to work.) he came rolling in around 5:30pm, just after the kids & i got home from my work. he said he didn't want to leave, didn't want to be away from me & the kids, that when i told him to leave this morning, it was a real reality check for him. we talked a long while, he says he'll get up everyday and go to work, he'll keep his doctor appointment next week, he'll start the counseling and he'll bring home all his paycheck.

of course i have mixed emotions about all this and i told him as much. can anyone imagine how this feels? like i'm going through some emotional "wringer"...squeezing me. but i thought about it as we talked...i guess when you lay something like that out (about telling him to leave this morning) and if he truly did get a "reality check", i suppose he should have a chance to prove himself. it's very scary for me, and i almost don't want to risk it at all. BUT - i think i have to see this through because if he falls back again to the old ways, then i'll know that i really did do every single thing i could. i told him if he starts up again with the same old shit, then we'll be right back where we were this morning and there won't be any changing my mind.

i feel like this is all some stupid movie.