wednesday thoughts...

well tomorrow is thanksgiving, it's usually a really nice day, prolly because i usually don't have to cook since we're typically at my mom's or the in-law's place. actually, it's more than not cooking, it's just nice family time including some really good food. this year, my mom and her hubby are going to new jersey to be with his parents and the in-laws are going to maryland to be with their youngest son. so, we were going to go to my uncle's place and enjoy the day with my cousins, etc.

well, the hubby works with my cousin, and he also works with the boyfriend of my other cousin. they get along sometimes, but most of the time they're like oil and water. truthfully it's prolly because they're so much alike, but my hubby would never admit that. anyway, he tells me last night that we're not going now b/c he and the boyfriend of my other cousin are at odds with each other and he doesn't want to have it be tense, or whatever. now we've made plans with them and now he's going to tell them we aren't coming. personally, i think it's ridiculous. i mean, aren't they two adults that can manage to behave for the holiday? i mean shit! it's so childish...get over yourselves. part of me wants to just go over there anyway and tell him he's welcome or he can stay home. the other part of me doesn't feel right about that b/c he wants to be with his family for the holiday. argh! i'm not prepared to cook a big meal - i don't have all the stuff i need and running out to shop the day before thanksgiving is not my idea of fun. plus i don't have much cash either. FFS!!!!!! so, whatever. the interesting thing is he'll expect me to figure everything out, run out and get all the stuff, etc. he did tell the kids that we all need to cook together. ok...we'll see. i mean, he has cooked thanksgiving dinner before, but who knows if he'll do anything.

i'm just so frustrated! i feel at a standstill. i just can't seem to feel happy around him lately. he just frustrates me. i just don't know what to do. what to do, what to do????? money is an issue again right now - i have a paycheck at the end of the month, but i'll still need $600 more bucks to pay the rent. and, oh yeah, WE STILL NEED FOOD, GAS, ETC!!!!!!! dammit i'm so sick of all this shit. i really, really am. i applied at home depot, so i hope they will call me for the new store that is opening near me in early december. i hate the idea of more time away from the kids, but i hate even more not knowing where the money is gonna come from.

i'm having feelings that remind me of when we split up the last time. i have a lot of apathy, anger, i'm putting up that wall again. i just can't seem to help it. i can't fake being happy. last night at dinner he was talking with the kids about something or other, i was eating, listening, but not talking (not intentionally, just didn't feel like it). anyway, he was like, "feel free to participate in our conversation" or something like that. i just wanna hit him when he says stuff like that. instead of saying that, why doesn't he just take time to talk with me later, to see what he can do instead of patronizing me? he did talk to me briefly the other day, asking something general like what's going on with you? anyway, i just told him, look, we have problems, i can't pretend they're not there. and he was like, well, can you do anything about it at the moment? in other words, he was trying to say, just be happy. i think he was trying to go along the lines of the serenity prayer. i'm all about the serenity prayer, but this is our marriage, ffs. i mean, the end result of how these problems get dealt with will determine, likely, the status of our marriage. he says he wants to be together, married, a family. but i don't know that i can live this way. things just aren't good and i don't know how to change it. he annoys me constantly in so many ways, not intentionally, but it's how i feel about certain things. for example, he'll come down looking for something in the dryer (like work clothes) and he'll seem to be pissy, like he can't find what he needs, or what he needs isn't clean. i just wanna say "then why the fuck don't you wash your damn clothes?" i mean, can't he anticipate his own clothing needs? it's not my job to figure out if he has what he needs for work the next day. he also seemed pissy saying something like "there's no food", i'm like what do you mean there's no food? well, i think he was referring to the fact that we're out of junk cereal - which he eats for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. ffs. i'm just trying to keep the kids fed, trying to make sure there are items for their lunches, etc. he goes through the "snack" food so damn fast, and doesn't even think about whether there is enough stuff for the kids's lunch. why can't he figure out that we are second to the kids. i mean, yes, we have to eat, but we have to make due with what we have. to me, when i go to the store and get stuff for their lunches, i want to make damn sure that it's there for the week.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

i feel so overwhelmed, i just don't know what to do. he asked me the other day "you don't like me anymore?" well, i love him, but to a degree, i really don't like who he is right now. i just don't. it's hard to say that, but it's true. i know that somewhere inside him is the person i love, i just don't know if he's ever coming back. that is a very hard thing to consider.

anyway, i've been rambling, but i guess that's what blogging is all about.