wednesday thoughts...

well tomorrow is thanksgiving, it's usually a really nice day, prolly because i usually don't have to cook since we're typically at my mom's or the in-law's place. actually, it's more than not cooking, it's just nice family time including some really good food. this year, my mom and her hubby are going to new jersey to be with his parents and the in-laws are going to maryland to be with their youngest son. so, we were going to go to my uncle's place and enjoy the day with my cousins, etc.

well, the hubby works with my cousin, and he also works with the boyfriend of my other cousin. they get along sometimes, but most of the time they're like oil and water. truthfully it's prolly because they're so much alike, but my hubby would never admit that. anyway, he tells me last night that we're not going now b/c he and the boyfriend of my other cousin are at odds with each other and he doesn't want to have it be tense, or whatever. now we've made plans with them and now he's going to tell them we aren't coming. personally, i think it's ridiculous. i mean, aren't they two adults that can manage to behave for the holiday? i mean shit! it's so childish...get over yourselves. part of me wants to just go over there anyway and tell him he's welcome or he can stay home. the other part of me doesn't feel right about that b/c he wants to be with his family for the holiday. argh! i'm not prepared to cook a big meal - i don't have all the stuff i need and running out to shop the day before thanksgiving is not my idea of fun. plus i don't have much cash either. FFS!!!!!! so, whatever. the interesting thing is he'll expect me to figure everything out, run out and get all the stuff, etc. he did tell the kids that we all need to cook together. ok...we'll see. i mean, he has cooked thanksgiving dinner before, but who knows if he'll do anything.

i'm just so frustrated! i feel at a standstill. i just can't seem to feel happy around him lately. he just frustrates me. i just don't know what to do. what to do, what to do????? money is an issue again right now - i have a paycheck at the end of the month, but i'll still need $600 more bucks to pay the rent. and, oh yeah, WE STILL NEED FOOD, GAS, ETC!!!!!!! dammit i'm so sick of all this shit. i really, really am. i applied at home depot, so i hope they will call me for the new store that is opening near me in early december. i hate the idea of more time away from the kids, but i hate even more not knowing where the money is gonna come from.

i'm having feelings that remind me of when we split up the last time. i have a lot of apathy, anger, i'm putting up that wall again. i just can't seem to help it. i can't fake being happy. last night at dinner he was talking with the kids about something or other, i was eating, listening, but not talking (not intentionally, just didn't feel like it). anyway, he was like, "feel free to participate in our conversation" or something like that. i just wanna hit him when he says stuff like that. instead of saying that, why doesn't he just take time to talk with me later, to see what he can do instead of patronizing me? he did talk to me briefly the other day, asking something general like what's going on with you? anyway, i just told him, look, we have problems, i can't pretend they're not there. and he was like, well, can you do anything about it at the moment? in other words, he was trying to say, just be happy. i think he was trying to go along the lines of the serenity prayer. i'm all about the serenity prayer, but this is our marriage, ffs. i mean, the end result of how these problems get dealt with will determine, likely, the status of our marriage. he says he wants to be together, married, a family. but i don't know that i can live this way. things just aren't good and i don't know how to change it. he annoys me constantly in so many ways, not intentionally, but it's how i feel about certain things. for example, he'll come down looking for something in the dryer (like work clothes) and he'll seem to be pissy, like he can't find what he needs, or what he needs isn't clean. i just wanna say "then why the fuck don't you wash your damn clothes?" i mean, can't he anticipate his own clothing needs? it's not my job to figure out if he has what he needs for work the next day. he also seemed pissy saying something like "there's no food", i'm like what do you mean there's no food? well, i think he was referring to the fact that we're out of junk cereal - which he eats for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. ffs. i'm just trying to keep the kids fed, trying to make sure there are items for their lunches, etc. he goes through the "snack" food so damn fast, and doesn't even think about whether there is enough stuff for the kids's lunch. why can't he figure out that we are second to the kids. i mean, yes, we have to eat, but we have to make due with what we have. to me, when i go to the store and get stuff for their lunches, i want to make damn sure that it's there for the week.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

i feel so overwhelmed, i just don't know what to do. he asked me the other day "you don't like me anymore?" well, i love him, but to a degree, i really don't like who he is right now. i just don't. it's hard to say that, but it's true. i know that somewhere inside him is the person i love, i just don't know if he's ever coming back. that is a very hard thing to consider.

anyway, i've been rambling, but i guess that's what blogging is all about.

it's been awhile...

well, the funeral was beautiful. they had a computer setup with a slideshow of pictures of auntie, along with her kids, etc., set to wonderful music. God it was heartwrenching, but comforting at the same time to see her the way i really remember her. the good days. i miss her free spirit, her very unique laugh.

regarding my marriage issues, they are still there to a degree. it seems like he is committed to working on our marriage. we'll see how it goes. it's interesting how there's this corner that you seem to get around when you just almost don't care anymore. for me, it's like this invisible shield goes up all around me - i just hit my breaking point of being hurt. i just don't seem to care anymore. my marriage is important to me, so i will forge ahead, but it will be hard with a heart that feels like it's turning to stone.

kids are great - my amazing girl got honor roll and my boy exceeded all expectations, according to his report card (he doesn't get real grades until next year). i was very proud of them both and said what a way to start the school year, gang!!!! they BOTH are the lights of my life.

friends. thank God for amazing friends. you know who you are, and i am blessed to have you as part of my life...thank you!!!

i think that's about it for now. i'm waiting for the husband to get home so we can drop off my friends car (she let me borrow it while my vehicle was in the shop getting the transmission repaired - what a true angel she is!!!)

goodnight room, and goodnight moon...

ashes to ashes...

well, last night went pretty much as expected, it's never hard to see your loved one no longer present in their body. in many ways, i was glad she wasn't in her body anymore. she was living a very hard life, and the knowledge that she is now free is comforting. plus, her body did not look like her anyway. seriously, it really seemed like a mannequin (sp). i don't mean that harshly, it just wasn't her. it's a good thing because that is not how i want to remember her anyway.

right now i'm waiting for my sis to come over, she, the hubby and i will drive to the funeral together. the kids will stay with gramma, then the hubby will come get them to go to the reception at rich's house.

i hope it goes as well as is possible - my mom and her brother will both be speaking at the service, i know it will be very hard for my mom, but it is important to her.

sharon kay

hello blog. i'm sitting with terribly poor posture over my keyboard, somewhat drunk from my extra large plastic cup full of delicious cosmopolitan martini...mmmmm. maybe not such a great way to honor my aunt who died friday night considering she was an alcoholic, however, i needed something to loosen up my too tightly-wound mind. auntie, auntie...why did your life have to end this way? why couldn't it be like it used to be...summer fun with us all lounging around the pool, you so full of life and love. why did it have to change? i'm so sorry that life didn't turn out how you wanted it then, i'm sorry that you couldn't find the strength. i'm sorry for your children, for your grandchildren, for your dad, brother and sister. i'm just sorry, and sad.

if your soul is still in the process of rising, auntie, i pray that it is a peaceful journey, that you have angels all around you assisting you in your rise to heaven.

i'm sorry i didn't come see you in the hospital before, when you were so sick. i was afraid, i didn't want to see you withered away and so very different from how i wish to remember you. i know it was selfish and i hope you forgive me. i'm glad i did have the chance to see you since then, though. now, however, i will see you one last time on wednesday, and it will be to say goodbye. goodbye to your body, but not goodbye to your spirit because i know it will be here. i am glad you will be with your mom, i hope you will be joyful to be together. grandma, it seems you've been gone my whole life...