argh!

well, he's back (apparently when he left this morning he went to work.) he came rolling in around 5:30pm, just after the kids & i got home from my work. he said he didn't want to leave, didn't want to be away from me & the kids, that when i told him to leave this morning, it was a real reality check for him. we talked a long while, he says he'll get up everyday and go to work, he'll keep his doctor appointment next week, he'll start the counseling and he'll bring home all his paycheck.

of course i have mixed emotions about all this and i told him as much. can anyone imagine how this feels? like i'm going through some emotional "wringer"...squeezing me. but i thought about it as we talked...i guess when you lay something like that out (about telling him to leave this morning) and if he truly did get a "reality check", i suppose he should have a chance to prove himself. it's very scary for me, and i almost don't want to risk it at all. BUT - i think i have to see this through because if he falls back again to the old ways, then i'll know that i really did do every single thing i could. i told him if he starts up again with the same old shit, then we'll be right back where we were this morning and there won't be any changing my mind.

i feel like this is all some stupid movie.

dmb always has the words...

a fellow dmb fan, debbie, sends out a newsletter most days. i couldn't believe the quote she put in hers today...

"the hope in her head falls

as a million things she needs today

remembering out of raging worries

so many voices, she cannot say

oh, but the colors mix together

to grey

and wake her up."

~djm--grey st--6.23.00

thank God for david matthews and his unbelievable way with words and emotion.

and up, and down, and up, and down...

i thought things were going to be ok. however, it just didn't turn out that way. i asked him to leave this morning - to find another place to stay for awhile where he can get his life straightened out. i tried to do everything i could for him, supported him in every way i could, but it just wasn't working because he wasn't trying to help himself. so, i don't know what the future holds, but that is where we are right now.

things are hard, for sure, but somehow we'll get through this. i'm just going to take it day by day and do the best i can for me and the kids. i'm so exhausted of carrying everything on my shoulders, i just couldn't do it anymore.

i have no idea what i'm going to do.

friday...

he came home thursday about 9am. he had been driving and driving, through various states, just thinking. said he came to realize that nothing else matters but his family, he doesn't want the kids growing up without him, that he should be taking care of me and treating me like a queen, that he is severely depressed, etc. said he is willing to get help, he doesn't want to live his life like this.

so all that is very encouraging, and i pray it is all true and isn't just a fleeting thing. i need actions on his part to begin to trust what he says. self-preservation, i guess.

all this up and down has been making me feel all out of whack. i pray he can get healthy and we can get things back on track here at home. i'm definitely someone who likes to feel grounded, and i'm ready to feel that way again.

home again?

another update...my son called the hubby tonight and left him a message on his cell. he called back about 30 mins later - told son that he was coming home tomorrow, and that he just couldn't leave his family like that.

so, i don't know what to expect, but we'll see when he gets back. all i know is he better be ready to get some help because his problems are not going to go away. he may be able to push it aside for awhile, but in the long run, they will still be there, unresolved.

i just want to get this sorted out, one way or the other.

*sigh*

gone again

so he's gone again. don't know what else to say right now. i have the flu, which just really puts the icing on the cake.